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Helping Your Children Through Divorce

 

Divorce is often more devastating for the children than it is for the parents. It is a time of confusion, anger, uncertainty, sadness, fear and guilt. But you and your spouse can significantly reduce the negative effects of divorce--or at least keep from making them worse--by observing the following suggestions.

Together, you and your spouse should tell your children about the divorce. Answer their questions calmly, honestly, and without blaming or demeaning each other. Let the children know that both of you are very sad that your marriage did not work out as you had dreamed--this will give your children permission to mourn, because your divorce represents a significant loss for your children. See Telling Your Children About The Divorce.

Reassure the children by telling them that they did not cause the divorce. Explain that the problems are between you and your spouse, and that both of you tried everything you could think of to settle your differences, but getting divorced is the only solution to your problems. Also let them know that your decision is final, and that you will not be changing your minds; as long as the children think there is any hope for restoring the marriage, they will go to great lengths to reunite you and your spouse. Instead, help your children to focus on adjusting to a new life in the future.

Tell your children that you will always be their parents and that you will never abandon them or stop loving them. Give them your permission and your encouragement to love the other parent, even though you will be living in different homes. Children need both parents, and should not be made to choose between them.

Be honest with your children. Prepare them for the many changes to come. Explain that everyone--including you and your spouse--will be affected by these changes. Children usually feel helpless when their parents are getting divorced, so where appropriate, invite your children to make suggestions with respect to matters that directly affect them, such as which night of the week might be the best one to spend with the non-residential parent. However, do not make children responsible for major decisions because such decisions often involve favoring one parent over the other.

Continue to be parents. Do not try to become best friends or "allies" with your children in an effort to influence their positive feelings for you at the expense of your spouse (the children's other parent!). Do not use money, gifts, or grand promises to win your children's affection or to ease your guilt about the divorce. Maintain the same rules, restrictions, expectations and consequences in both households. More than anything, your children need the reassurance, guidance and structure that only a parent can provide. Children can adapt to the changes brought about by the divorce, but they will never be able to overcome the loss of a parent's love and advice.

Do not blame, criticize, or diminish your spouse within earshot of the children, and do not angrily, bitterly, or sarcastically tell your children that "you are just like your mother/father." Such behavior creates incredible confusion and pain for your children. Remember that your children are your spouse's children, too; by criticizing the other parent, you are also criticizing that half of your children that they inherited from the other parent. Furthermore, "bashing" your spouse may well make the children angry with you, it will not change your spouse, nor will it promote a civil co-parenting relationship in the future.

Make an extra effort to maintain your relationship with your children if you are the parent who moves out of the family home. Attend school and extracurricular events, and remember birthdays, holidays and other special events such as confirmation or graduation. Call or e-mail your children regularly. Let your children know that you will always be their parent, and that out of sight does not mean out of mind. Make your home feel like their home, too; provide each child his/her own space (if not their own room, then their own bureau or drawer), and buy an extra set of clothes, pajamas and toiletries that the children can leave at your home.

Maintain the children’s activities and routines. Minimize the impact of your divorce upon the children by maintaining their extra-curricular and sports activities, as well as their daily routines and family rituals. The more that things  stay the same, the fewer the disruptions created by your divorce.

Read. There are many excellent books that can help your children survive--and even learn from--the divorce experience. Some books are meant to be read by parents to their children, and others are for children to read themselves. While you are at it, find a book for yourself, too--divorce is a challenging experience for both adults and children alike. See Helpful Reading.

Keep adult issues between adults. Do not discuss details of your divorce with your children except when doing so would clearly be in the children's best interests. Do not use the children as messengers or as spies, and do not question them critically or in detail about your spouse or your spouse's lifestyle. If you think there is a problem or concern that your child cannot handle with their other parent, then discuss your concerns directly with that other parent. Divorce mediation can help you and your spouse develop effective communication skills so that you can separate spousal issues from parental issues, thus keeping the children from being "caught in the middle."

Encourage your children's positive relationship with their other parent, and do everything possible to facilitate your children's time with the other parent. Have the children ready to go at the appointed time, or better yet, offer to drive them to the other parent’s home.  Let them take their clothes and personal belongings (including gifts you have given to your children) to the other home; respect their privacy regarding telephone conversations with the other parent. Do not let your negative feelings towards your former spouse interfere with the children's relationship with their other parent.

Be flexible. When the other parent is a few minutes late picking up or returning the children, or a day late with the child support payment, be patient and ignore this minor violation of your agreement. If this becomes a chronic problem, discuss it privately with the other parent, but do not share your frustration with your children.  If the other parent would like to do something special with the children when they would normally be with you, be accommodating. These times with the other parent are special for your children, too; being flexible with the other parent shows that your love for your children outweighs your anger with the other parent. And as the children get older, they will often prefer to do something with their friends when they are "scheduled" to be with you. This is not meant to be a personal affront--the children are becoming independent adults, so support their needs and interests. By being flexible, you will be setting a great example for your children.

Encourage your children to express their feelings.  Encourage your children to talk to you about their feelings, especially regarding the divorce. Also, there are many excellent divorce support groups for children, and family therapists can offer the children a safe place to express feelings that they may not be able to share directly with you or their other parent. Knowing that other children are experiencing similar challenges can be very comforting to your children.

Take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. If you are unhappy, unhealthy, or stressed, you cannot provide your children with the patience, support, and understanding that are critical to their well-being. Happy and healthy adults promote happiness and health in their children.

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